This week, one of my coworkers said to me, “so Devin, I was just thinking…” I paused…unsure what was going to follow. She said something along the lines of, “when I met you, you told me you were working here as a part time teaching assistant because your MS was keeping you from teaching. After a few months you moved in to a full time position, but that wasn’t permanent so I imagine it was a little less stressful. But you’re now two weeks into a full time, full responsibilities teaching position. I can imagine that means things have changed for you”. I didn’t know how to respond.
I hadn’t really thought about it. I mean I recognized it in some ways. Of course I celebrated when I got the job, excited about getting back to doing what I love full time. But I hadn’t really processed all that that means. This month I went back to work as a full time teacher after 2 years of part time work. 2 years of trying multiple jobs in order to find a way I could work in special Ed without triggering an exacerbation of symptoms. 2 years of feeling less than, because I knew I was capable of doing so much more if I could just be healthy.
2 years away was a LONG time. In those two years I focused on my treatment and learning how to manage this new life of chronic illness. I researched how to heal my body with food. I looked into all forms of holistic and alternative medicine. I’ve had acupuncture, went to therapy, started taking all sorts of vitamins. Ive gotten full body massages focused on my affected muscles and found a chiropractor I still see regularly. I wore a continuous glucose monitor because chronic illness can effect blood sugar. I learned how hormones can relate to symptom management. I joined the blogs, watched the documentaries and followed all the MS social media creators.
And while I’m still learning, I have finally come to a point where my every day doesn’t revolve around MS. After two whole years of it taking up so much space, i have finally put it on the back burner. Obviously it’s still there. And I still take all the meds and vitamins and see the chiropractor and do all the things I learned. But it isn’t my whole life. My days revolve around lesson plans and dinners with friends and watching Trash Truck with my nephew. My weekends are back to being a mix of r&r and fun with friends and family instead of sleeping for hours upon hours with quick spurts of socialization before needing more sleep.
My MS is still there. And there are still mornings I wake up and need to remind my body to push through the numbness and fatigue. And I still get migraines and end the week with way less energy than the average person. But I’m living again. And I’m feeling more like me. I still have MS. But MS does not have me. No matter how hard it tried over the last two years, I finally starting to believe that I will come out on top.