Today things hit a peak. Today, MS got the best of me and there was nothing I could do to overcome it.
The past few weeks have been hectic. I started working full time and I am really enjoying it. I missed being in a classroom. After teaching full time year round for 4 years, the past 6 months of virtual teaching just hasn’t given me the same joy. Running after kiddos, working on their goals, and getting to see their smiling faces has reminded me of how valued I feel as a special educator. But it was a tough adjustment. I went from barely moving throughout the day to walking 5 miles around the school last Monday. The change of pace is difficult for everyone, going from living a quarantine lifestyle to working full time, no adjustment period. It has been especially difficult for me and my MS. Being out of the house for 9 hours and then attending night classes full time was way more than I could physically or mentally handle. Between the many drs. appointments, physical therapy, the chiropractor, and classes- I was over doing it. My body was so tired and my brain was burnt out. So I had no choice. I had to cut back on classes. But as anyone who has attended any college or university knows, it’s all about the money. You drop classes? You lose your scholarship. You aren’t taking full course credits? You no longer get in-state tuition. Not only will it now take me longer to complete my program, it will also be more expensive per credit. All because I have to deal with chronic health issues. MS is really frustrating.
This weekend I was so tired, that while curling my hair to go out to dinner on Saturday, my bicep spasmed and I dropped the 400 degree iron on my neck. Now I am sporting a nice big burn in the most inconvenient spot, trying to keep it out of the sun and moisturize it to prevent scarring. Then last night I woke up at 3 AM to use the bathroom and I couldn’t walk. Every muscle in my body ached and felt weak. I imagined it was how runners feel after a marathon. I woke up the next morning and was no better. I was dizzy, my eye sight in my right eye was blurry, and if I was in any position other than laying down I had pins and needles from my hips to my toes. So today, MS got the best of me. I had to take the day off of work, which is always accompanied with guilt, as anyone in special ed can attest to. I spent my day in bed, trying to regain my strength, drinking an obscene amount of water to see if that would help, and sulking. I wished I was home with my parents. I felt alone here in Texas without all my people who bring me comfort. I was angry with the university for taking away my scholarship and lesser tuition. I felt useless in my own body. But then I remembered what my neurologist told me. This isn’t going to be easy, and there are going to be hard days, but right now, I have an able body. I CAN walk around the school for miles, and run after my students on the playground. I CAN attend classes and learn new things to advance my career. Things may be more difficult, and they won’t always be comfortable, but I CAN do the things I want to do. And for that, I should be grateful.
So this evening I am changing my tone. I am not always happy with the hand i’ve been dealt, but I am resilient. There are going to be days where MS gets the best of me, but there will be far more where I get the best of MS.