Summertime Sadness

I wrote this about a month ago but never posted. It feels too negative to share, and a bit whiny, but someone asked why I hadn’t blogged in a while. Today I decided why not. So here it is, negativity and whining galore. Hoping for a more favorable fall.  

This past June 28th marked 3 years since my MS diagnosis. The first two years I celebrated the day. I looked back on how grateful I was that my diagnosis gave me a new perspective on life. I felt lucky to still be in such a good place with my health. Lucky to celebrate another year without a relapse. 

This year I didn’t feel grateful or lucky. I felt frustrated. Angry that instead of living a normal life I’m always tired. I’m always overheating. I get overstimulated quickly. I hate spending so much money on supplements and doctors and pain management; all the things healthy people only need to remain healthy, not in hopes to regain health. 

I’m sick of my symptoms being invisible. I overthink everything I do. Every social media post. Any plan I make. I’m scared people will think I’m faking because one day I say I feel terrible but the next I’m at a concert. What people can’t see is how different attending a concert looks like for me now. No alcohol, because it exacerbates symptoms. We have to park close because by the time I walk to the stadium, I can’t see out of my right eye and I’m overheating. I haven’t been able to sit in my purchased seat, because I’m overstimulated by the crowd and my anxiety it out of control. And if my legs get too tired, I can’t sit because I won’t be able to see over the people in front of me. But people can’t actually SEE any of it. So I either look like a liar or a complainer,  not someone who is simply trying to enjoy just one thing. Because that’s all I can do, enjoy one thing that then leads to multiple days of increased fatigue that come after I try to have some fun. Say I actually get to enjoy that one thing, it will only be a positive memory if I was careful not to schedule another thing too close, because doing two things is too much. Then my body will really struggle. 

My life is different now. The girl with FOMO is staying in bed while her friends explore the new city they’re visiting. I’ve spent the better half of the last three months at home resting. This summer has been the hardest season in the past three years. I couldn’t seem to escape sickness starting in June, ended up with an infection. And then it was time for treatment, which is always hard on my body. Then I was too busy with wedding festivities to relax. And then I got Covid and next thing I knew summer was over. 

I find it hard to stay positive when I’m struggling with all of these feelings of anger and guilt over being angry. The struggle will continue, but hopefully I’ll find balance in the coming months.