Despite the struggles you face, you’re beautiful. Continue to be reliable and transparent with your journey. The world sees you even when you feel invisible. Your willingness to love even after being discarded and forgotten is admirable. Be proud that you’ve grown to acknowledge your worth. -A.E.
Even though my MS diagnosis didn’t come until mid 2020, my life had been on a downhill trajectory for quite some time, which might be why the diagnosis felt like just another hit while I was down.
For half of 2019 I was in a relationship for the first time in a long time. In that relationship I found myself completely losing my self-worth, settling for less, and gaslighted. For an entire 6 months I was convinced I deserved to be treated the way I was treated. I ignored when I felt low or upset because he made me laugh, and when things were good I convinced myself I was happy. I convinced myself I was overthinking everything and over reacting to what he said and did. It took a blindsiding breakup and a lot of brutally honest friends to open my eyes to the toxicity of what I put myself through.
After the breakup, I was trying to build myself back up, regain my self-worth, and find happiness. And then I was assaulted in a Boston bar after an altercation with a very intoxicated, ignorant man. Physically, I only suffered a cut lip and a black eye, but emotionally, so much more. Twice in one year I was treated terribly by two men, and again I started to convince myself that I deserved it. I still struggle with that thought from time to time.
In early 2020, before the world shut down, I went to court and faced the man who assaulted me. It was traumatic. His lawyer put the blame on me; I know, that is his job. But I wasn’t in a place where I could rationalize that his words weren’t the truth. He insisted that I instigated the man, and the results were warranted. In reality, I did nothing to deserve a glass being thrown at my face. There was nothing I could have possibly done to a 6’2” 250 pound man in a bar that would ever justify what happened.
I started 2020 angry. I didn’t feel comfortable going out in Boston, constantly worrying I would see my ex or the guy who assaulted me. I was 25, single, frustrated with how I felt about myself and where I was at in life. I was losing sight of who I was. I knew I needed to make a change. I made the choice to leave teaching for the time being. I love teaching students with significant needs, but the emotional and physical stress I was putting on my body was not okay, and was only hurting the progress I was trying to make. Instead of taking a year off completely, I looked into masters programs to further my education and expand my career options. I also made the choice to move out of my parent’s house and further away. I knew I couldn’t be sure that I want to live in Boston if I never lived anywhere else, and I didn’t want to look back one day and regret spending my whole life in one city. So I looked around the country for Masters programs that were far enough from Boston that I needed to hop on a plane. I landed on The University of Texas at Austin for a Masters in Early Childhood Special Ed with a course track that would lead to sitting for the BCBA exam. In February I went to Austin, got accepted to UT, and I made the commitment to move.
Then the world turned to shit and we all know how the rest of 2020 went….
My MS diagnosis was an emotional eye opener. I had a chronic illness that is significantly affected by stress and mental health. Now taking care of my emotional state was more important than ever before. I took control of my diet, I cut out gluten and dairy, inflammatory foods that impact MS symptoms. I started working with a personal trainer, a physical therapist, and a social worker. MS put a lot on my plate, but I know that if I put the work in, I can give myself a better outcome.
Through all of this mess I recognized that I preferred taking care of others and ignoring my own needs. Which makes sense- I’m a severe special ed teacher- but I was using my job as an excuse for treating myself poorly. I realized I try to find people with flaws to distract myself with, instead of focusing on fixing my own. I realized I was dependent on external validation and took no responsibility for myself and my feelings. I realized that the saying is true, that if you don’t love yourself you will never accept love from someone else. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still angry. But I can do something about it. I work on getting my feelings out by writing this blog and talking to my social worker. I am more open and honest about how I feel and what I expect from the people in my life. I take less shit from people who have no right to presume they have any power over how I feel. Every day is a challenge but I’m bringing my new mindset into 2021. I guess my new thing is ending these posts with affirmations. This time, I’ll quote Alex Elle, who has been a huge influence on how I view my self-worth. I look at her affirmations daily.
- I am allowing my pain to teach me, not harden me.
- I will choose myself even when rejection is hard.
- Dear self, you are more resilient than you let yourself see.